#12 – My Elf On The Shelf no longer has to outdo all the other freaking Elves On Everyone Else’s Shelves. My Elf is worn out and he’d rather indulge in a glass of Christmas Cheer than Google his tiny brain to come up with something that will outdo little Johnny’s Elf who strung Christmas lights on the SUV and made a life-size stuffed Santa and wired him to the front of the car like it had just hit the Jolly Guy in mid-flight.
#11 – I don’t have to listen to Wham! sing Last Christmas I Gave You My Heart until next year. And I will be writing Hillary Clinton about her proposing a national ban on playing the Chipmunks song anywhere other than through the loudspeaker at Guantanamo Bay.
#10 – I can expel my liquored-up, out-of-town relatives snoring in Misty Rae’s room who think the three wise men were José Cuervo, Jim Beam, and Jack Daniels.
#9 – I can start writing my brag letter for next year. “Donna Jean met her new year’s resolution to lose 95 lbs. and compete for Miss Teen Mom USA, sponsored by Skoal. So sad she came in second! Next time she’ll put a more modern spin on her acrobatic rendition of Ain’t Misbehavin’.”
#8 – Shrek The Halls. ‘Nuff said.
#7 – No more paying $20.95 for express shipping for an $11 ring.
#6 – I don’t have to drink people’s eggnog to be polite. Maybe if paired with a jello shooter . . .
#5 – Can the kids pleeeeze go back to school already? I have to buy them stuff at Christmas AND fund their going to lunch with friends every day during Christmas break, not at McDonalds or Wendy’s, but at Chili’s and Benihana. “How ‘bout I watch you take down the tree and lug all the boxes back to the attic, and then we’ll talk about handing you another $20 to fund your sushi craving?”
#4 – I can start hoping Santa will get his mailroom right next year so that my new iPad doesn’t end up with some eco-mom in Scandinavia while I get stuck with a reindeer sweater.
#3 – No more ABC Family specials involving Magic Mistletoe Miracles. And Hallmark movies with terminally ill Melissa Gilbert that leave me wondering why a handsome CEO can’t walk into my bakery and let me teach him what it’s like to love and be loved.
#2 – I can stop worrying about the sheep in my yard’s nativity display. We have a purple Furby in it because raccoons made off with Baby Jesus three years ago. They also swiped the pink flamingo and the penguin standing reverently around the manger.
#1 – Having to be Politically Correct and saying “Happy Holidays.” I’m ok with people telling ME, “Happy Hanukkah,” “Happy Kwanzaa,” or “Zany Zombie Day.” Just let me say “Merry Christmas” without feeling guilty!
So, I hope you had a Felíz-y Ramadan and a perfectly Grinchy “Who-liday” fest—as long as you leave me a gift. Cash would be great.