Game Changer

When people want to insinuate that a politician is heinous and bordering on evil, they sometimes play the Nazi card. You’ve seen those Obama-with-little-mustache photos from followers of that one guy (I think his name is Lyndon LaDouche. He supposedly has a “movement,” just like I do every morning). A president of the NRA once compared Governor Andrew Cuomo to Adolf Hitler. And so on. They ebb and flow, but unlike Hitler, the Nazi comparisons never seem to die.

Since elections are approaching and these comparisons are bound to happen, here’s what someone should do – run as an actual Nazi. The benefits of this approach are obvious:

1) Making your opponent look weak. A key to winning an election is to make your opponent appear “weak”. Nothing does this with pizzazz quite like saying “I expect my opponent to fall faster than Poland.” BAM! Race over.

2) Airtime. I once heard someone say “That movie must be good, I’ve seen tons of ads for it.” Politics is no different. Getting oodles of press coverage is essential when you suck, especially as an underdog candidate. And no one is getting more (free) coverage in the news than an avowed Nazi. Guaranteed.

3) Reverse-Messaging. Being a Nazi allows you to have fun with surprise reverse-messaging. Everyone will expect you to pick on minorities, so when your platform calls for locking up all white people, you’ll get plenty of notice (see #2 above). The White-Power guys who finally have someone they can vote for will be thrown for a huge loop. Which is always good.

4) Book deal. Publishers crank out Sarah Palin’s books for one reason — they know enough suckers will buy them. As the sole Nazi candidate you’re guaranteed to enjoy the same “literary” treatment. Ca-ching!!

5) Corporate Sponsorship. Speaking of money, here’s a great way to turn your campaign into a blitzkrieg. Whenever you’re giving a speech, you start out by saying “I’d like to thank Pepsi, McDonalds, and Chick-Fil-A for sponsoring my campaign”. Of course that’s false, but your claim will be widely covered (again, see #2). To get a competitive edge, companies will pay you to claim to be sponsored by their competitors.  And since you’re bound to lose, why not have fun watching mega-corporations freak out and rush into denial mode?

I doubt anyone has the good sense to try this. It might be time to start growing a mustache.