Girl Scouts Prepare Girls For Future of Working for the Man

Girl Scouts of America is once again working hard to rigorously prepare young American girls for the future. It’s most likely a future of working insane hours and making huge sacrifices in a futile struggle against unrealistic sales goals in a overly saturated market, while a faceless organization reaps the near entirety of the profits and most likely stashes them into tax-sheltered offshore accounts.


Young Kerry Pickett has been involved with the Girl Scouts for 5 years and each year has put more and more hours and effort into cookie sales at the expense of personal time with friends, her health, and her safety. This year, she has struggled with near constant rejection and poor sales, though she did receive several offers of candy from friendly van drivers.

In her first year, she was delighted to earn 1100 points for selling $3000 worth of cookies as a result of her 3000 hours on the street with her wagon. That was enough to earn her a very nice Lucite “Top Performer” block.

“I was soo proud of that. I really learned what it was like to work incredibly hard! And that Lucite chunk told everyone! But as the years have gone by, I’ve gotten a lot better at math and I’ve learned to use the internet. Did you know how much money the Girl Scouts of America makes from cookies? And do you know how much money is returned to the girls? If you take…times that by…carry the 5…Holy $%#%^! And what exactly is Lucite, anyway?”

Pickett added that she thinks that she’ll probably skip Girl Scouts next year and just spend some extra time in her mom’s basement while she can.

GSA defends its practices against critics, saying it is simply preparing the girls for what they can realistically expect out in the real world. They say the average girl brings in $1000 for the organization, but each girl does receive a fabric patch for their efforts.

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2 thoughts on “Girl Scouts Prepare Girls For Future of Working for the Man”

  1. That’s why my wife, who was a Scout for several years, now refuses to buy cookies. She’d rather donate the money directly to her old Girl Scout camp, which the national organization has been trying to shut down.

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