Heroin Dealer Exonerated After Revealing That He Only Sold Heroin To “That Dude From Nickelback”

The recent heroin overdose by beloved and talented actor Philip Seymour Hoffman has brought about calls for immediate action by authorities. New York City police have been furiously searching for the dealer who sold Hoffman the heroin. Hoffman was discovered surrounded by countless packets of heroin and was determined to have withdrawn a large amount of cash from the bank the day of his death. Detectives have so far been unable to locate the cash and have been unable to formulate any reasonable theories as to where the money went.

No problem

“It was absolutely wrong of them to sell him so much. It’s just plain irresponsible. Dealers like this really smear the entire group and give them all a bad name. It’s almost as if this person was in it just for the money and didn’t care…and I mean really care for Phil.”

Increased police pressure did result in the netting of 4 suspected heroin sources. Three of the individuals are still being held and still await possible indictments, but Carl Claytor, 42, of Smithfield Heights was exonerated after a lengthy police interrogation in which he did admit to selling heroin, but only to “that dude from Nickelback.”

Authorities are satisfied that Claytor is telling the truth and as a result have released him on his own recognizance, with a suggestion that maybe Claytor relocate his business somewhere a lot closer to where Justin Bieber lives.

Share this Post: