Hike That Thang

pimp

The minimum wage debate is starting to heat up. And you know what that means. It’s time for the pimps to get busy.

Here’s how it works. The Retail Industry Association and the National Restaurant Industry Association contact their pimp. He’s some guy who runs a non-profit in DC with a serious-sounding name like The Center For Economic Research. The pimp sets a price and receives a bunch of money from the industry associations. He takes a big cut and then sends the rest to his prostitute.

The prostitute is a university economist who receives the money in the form of a research grant. He works at a public center for “independent” learning and research. A place you’ve never heard of like San Diego State University or Central South Dakota State College. Said prostitute likely received his Phd by squeaking through an Economics program at a similarly unremarkable college. His colleagues know he’s a sellout hack, but no matter – he’s the Big-Man-On-Campus, thanks to those industry grants. He’s become The Rainmaker in the department.

So, like any good sex worker does, he starts with a massage. He kneads and twists the numbers until they show that raising the minimum wage will lead to a decrease in employment. If that doesn’t pan out, he finds another data set and screws with it until it “works.”

Whatever it takes. A good prostitute knows that satisfied customers are essential for repeat business.

So he writes up his report. He could print it out on toilet paper, but that would be too obvious, so he uses real paper instead. He sends the report to his pimp, who then releases it to the media.

Presto!! A university economist has determined that …

Conservative politicians now have cover and they shoot down a minimum wage hike. And the rest of us, via taxes, keep paying for things that Wal-Mart and McDonald’s workers wouldn’t need if their employers paid them a living wage.

Yes, selling yourself is a nasty business. But in the end it’s our fault for believing what a pimp tells us. You should never trust a pimp.

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4 thoughts on “Hike That Thang”

  1. You seem to know a lot about this Pimp trade Tom. I know a lot about mocking because that’s the business I’m in! Just writing… 🙂

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