In a world that’s apparently run out of first names, today’s tots are going to be in a world of hurt.

“SORRY,KID. YOUR NAME IS BRADY BRADY.”

In an episode of the show Sex and the City, Miranda and her ex-boyfriend Steve Brady mull over names for their in-utero son. Miranda ponders the classic “Danny”, and Steve suggests a name with familial significance, “Paul”. Ultimately, Miranda opts to name the baby “Brady” – the father’s last name – as an ostensible booby prize for Steve, who is out of the picture romantically. Baby Brady will have his mom’s last name, “Hobbes.” Later in the series, however, Miranda and Steve reconcile and marry, begging the question: will the red-headed tyke be “Brady Brady”? Or at least, Brady-Hobbes-Brady?

In my nephew’s kindergarten in Pennsylvania, his classmates are: Ethan, Jacob,  Josalynn, Josie, Susan, Caroline, Toshi, Juliette, Arthur, Augusta, Lillibeth, Joshua, Henry, Joseph, Kate, Thomas, Charles, Lauren, Liam, Claire, Nora, Matthew and Sarah.

In my friend’s child’s kindergarten in Los Angeles, the kid’s names are; Porter; Delaney; 2 Jaggers; Axel; Anderson; 3 (one male, two female) Sawyers; Bennet; Wilson; 2 (one male, one female) Parkers; Truman; Maxwell; 2 Masons; Presley; Hendrix and 2 Coopers.

The banal baby naming trend of using surnames as first names has got to be one of the weirdest and most desperate in the entire storied and perverse history of baby naming trends. Thin on meaning, outside of their traditional place in the sur name category, I find this trend perplexing. Why name your kid “Cassidy” or “Kennedy” when we have lyrical, literary names like Clara, Clarissa or Caroline? What the heck does “Riley” have over Ethan or Thomas, other than it is also common dog name?

Consider these popular and unisex winners:

Taylor
Sawyer
Addison
Cassidy
Mackenzie
Grayson
Archer
Presley
Marshall
Delaney
Baker
Carver
Hunter
Tyler
Kennedy
Riley
Leighton
Bennett
Davis
Wilson
Mason
Carson
Emerson
Brayden
Jackson
Anderson
Harrison
Robinson
Walker
Carter
Campbell
Cooper
Chandler
Porter
Parker
Hudson
Maxwell

….and the horrifying and now-infamous (shudder)…. Madison.

One of the problems is that a large majority of these share the distinction of being the most popular first names and most popular sur names, threatening an entire generation of future Americans with the whole “Brady Brady” conundrum.

Sometimes the universe works in mysterious ways, such as how I met so many Jennifers and Rachaels in college, and how there is an alarming plethora of Jasons and Andrews in my workplace today. The “Sawyer and Mason” generation is going to be a world of hurt. 20 years from now, a good chunk of our young men and women of the unisex last name generation will be co-mingling, and everything will be a big confusing mess.

Show me the hipsters with the balls to their kid Weintraub or Horowitz and I’ll change my opinion.

The hippest trendies in the world will be the couple who names their baby “Steve”.

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2 thoughts on “In a world that’s apparently run out of first names, today’s tots are going to be in a world of hurt.”

  1. My grandkids are named Hunter and Brayden, after grandparents on each side — I see they both made your list! I wanted my daughter, who wasn’t married yet, to keep her maiden name, which would have made one of the twins Hunter Hunter. For some reason she didn’t see the humor in that.

  2. That’s one of the few reasons to feel good about being a soon-to-be-old Baby Boomer. My parents named me Kathryn Anne.

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