In the Gay Old Wintertime | HumorOutcasts

In the Gay Old Wintertime

February 13, 2014


As this long, cold, lonely winter turns into more winter, many are asking, “What the fuck’s going on here?” Well the answer is simple because a winter this extreme can only mean one thing: we have become too gay.

Yes, if we’ve learned one thing in recent years from people like television evangelist and part-time meteorologist, Pat Robertson, it’s that extreme weather is due to the fact that, as the Westboro Baptist Church says so eloquently, “God Hates Fags!” Sure, god hates other liberal shit too, like abortion, but really it’s the advancement of the gay agenda that really pisses him off. So this winter’s weather is just his little way of saying cut that shit out.

I can’t speak for others, but I can tell you that god’s plan is working on me, because my fear of blizzards, tornadoes, hurricanes, droughts, floods, etc. is the only thing that keeps me from corn-holing other men. Well, that and the fact that your average man’s corn-hole is really rather disgusting.

But if Robertson and his ilk are right, god must be really hatin’ on the gays this winter because I estimate my testicles will thaw sometime in mid-July.

Since early December, we have been hit almost daily with a barrage of extreme cold temperatures and massive piles of snow sure to discourage even priests and Boy Scout leaders from preferring sausage over tacos. While that kind of weather may put a damper on your average gay pride parade, it would seem to encourage participation in such sinful activities as men’s figure skating, or even worse, the two-man luge. So go figure.

But then I guess god works in mysterious ways, because even the south, where his favorite people reside, has been hit this winter by his frigid wrath. Atlanta has been nailed with ice storms that put traffic at a standstill, which, if you’ve ever been to Atlanta you know is no different from any other day there, so I don’t know what the big fucking deal was. Nevertheless, fingers were pointed back and forth between the mayor of Atlanta and the governor of Georgia as to which of the two was to blame. My guess is it’s the gay one.

While god’s ire towards homosexuality seems like a sound theory for extreme weather, scientists believe it is due to some silliness they refer to as “climate change.” We also hear them spout other scientific terms such as “global warming” and one that has come up numerous times this winter called “polar vortex.”

Polar vortex—or in its plural form, polar vortexans—is meteorological-speak for “Holy crap! More below zero temps?  We’d better come up with a name for this shit. Let’s see… um… how about ‘polar vortex’?” This phenomenon involves giant cyclones whipping up at either of the planet’s two poles. Since the gay population at either pole is believed to be somewhere around zero, it seem scientists may be onto something here. I mean why would god bother with cyclones in areas where maybe, at best, a couple of Eskimos are playing “hide the harpoon” in each other’s igloos? If you really want to scare the gay away, try whipping up a vortex in places like San Francisco or Las Vegas, or better yet, in Michele and Marcus Bachmann’s bedroom.

So once again it’s god vs. science and usually in these arguments, god wins.

After all, it’s much easier to put the future of the planet in his hands than it is to do something about it.

Frank Mucci

People magazine's Sexiest Man Alive for 2015 and winner of the 2013 Nobel Prize for Literature, Frank likes to make up shit about himself and state it as fact. Here's some actual NOT made up shit about Frank: He is the author of "An Incurable Disease: Memories, Observations and Ravings from a Baby Boomer Cub Fan," available in print and for Kindle at

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5 Responses to In the Gay Old Wintertime

  1. February 14, 2014 at 6:48 pm

    I think the weather channel should think about signing you up. It could be a whole new feature “The wrath of God or just shitty weather?”

  2. Kathy Minicozzi
    February 14, 2014 at 1:55 pm

    Personally, I blame the Italians for the bad weather. We get blamed for a lot of stuff, anyway, so one more thing won’t matter. 😉

  3. February 14, 2014 at 1:14 pm

    It’s always good to read your in-depth (at least, up to my knees) analysis of these issues!

  4. February 14, 2014 at 3:19 am

    Someone needs to confront Robertson and ask him why god ever gave up the simple bolt of lightning method to kill those who offended him. It would eliminate the “collateral damage” that massive extreme weather seems to be affecting.

    • Kathy Minicozzi
      February 14, 2014 at 1:59 pm

      That would require Pat Robertson to actually confront the holes in his logic, in front of his followers. That would require actual thinking. The effort would be too much for all of them.

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