Keith Richards’ Body Found Alive Inside His Apartment

In the wake of this weekend’s discovery of Academy Award-winning actor Philip Seymour Hoffman’s body found dead in his Manhattan apartment, most likely from a drug overdose, news came quickly of another grisly discovery – that the body of Rolling Stones guitarist Keith Richards was found alive inside of his own.

Alive!

Fearing the worst, a friend reported entering Richards’ apartment around noon on Sunday after the door was not answered. The friend forced his way inside to find Richards unresponsive on his toilet surrounded by liquor bottles and drug paraphernalia. But after a few shakes, Richards aroused himself enough to mutter something incomprehensible, probably about the Super Bowl or who knows, really?

In a shocking memoir, Richards detailed his use of nearly every drug known to man, as well as inhaling his own father’s ashes. These startling claims made Sunday’s discovery all the more horrific.

News around the internet was swift after learning of Richards’ condition.

“Oh, thank God he’s alive! #stonesforever” tweeted one fan.

“WE LOVE YOU KEITH!” from another.

“Wait, Keith Richards has been alive this whole time?” from still another.

Keith Richards is survived by his wife Patti and children Theodora, Alexandra, Marlon, Tara, and Angela. And himself, it appears.

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6 thoughts on “Keith Richards’ Body Found Alive Inside His Apartment”

  1. They need to make an anti-serum from Richard’s blood and have it available for people who go to drug rehab, if they live so long to be able to do that.

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