When you read an article about an incident involving a fraternity, you can be certain of one thing. Somewhere in the piece you’re gonna read the words “alcohol may have been a factor.” The fraternity system offers a strange paradox. It’s a great way for young men to make friends and develop the skills needed to become a great leader like George W. Bush. It’s also a great way for the liquor industry to develop an army of loyal, long-term alcoholics.
I recently read an article about people falling out of and off of fraternity houses. It happens far more often than you’d think. Drunk people stumble through windows, slip off roofs, and fall off balconies. And most don’t end with a laugh over beers, as it did for the guy who ended up wedged between the side of a house and an air-conditioning unit (“Dude, just chill!!”). No, most accidents are serious.
As the body count mounts we can expect the usual “solutions.” We’ll see changes in laws and regulations and shifts in insurance (interesting fact: liability insurers rank fraternities as slightly less risky than hazardous waste removal companies). But male-dominated organizations usually become aggressively stupid (think Wall Street, GOP, the military) so the usual approaches will do squat.
Here’s what we should do: require all fraternities to install big circus-style fall nets around the entire base of the fraternity, including the porch. We accept that kids go to school to learn about debt in between drinking binges. And we don’t try to fix stupid because you can’t.
Why do I care about this? Well, I was in a fraternity (one filled with mild-mannered guys who actually cared about graduating). So I know this — it’s the one time in life when you can flick a bar of soap into the corner of the shower and say “Hey Ed, can ya bend over and grab me the soap.” You can’t do that at LA Fitness or some community center. You only get one chance.
Sure, nets would look stupid. But the architectural integrity of a fraternity house isn’t a question. When you see an American flag whose pole is resting in a bong that’s been welded to the side of a house, you know the occupants gave up on architecture long ago.
American organizations are becoming increasingly humorless. Let’s save one of the few left that isn’t, but keep kids safe as well. Maybe I could hire John McCain to go on TV wearing a Greek jersey and shout “Build the damn net!!”
I like this a lot and you’ll be helping the economy as giant nets are built everywhere there’s a frat house.
If trapeze artists can use nets, why not fraternity brothers?
My idea is radical but I am totally in favor of this: I think they should lower the drinking age to the max of 18. I think by the time a kid gets to college, drinking is old hat and no binge drinking is necessary as they already know what it feels like to drink and they are not hiding it from the “law”. Less binge drinking makes fewer fall off balcony events. But if the asinine laws are going to continue to ruin kids’ lives because of a few beers and they are going to get drunk in a hurry before they get caught, then the circus nets idea is a good one as well!
This may be a good idea, but it would reduce the candidates for the Darwin Award!
By a large percentage, true.