Older Brothers Behaving Badly

I was asked recently, “What story had the biggest impact on me when I was a child.”
My response was:
My older brothers made me read a story when I was in second or third grade, about how when Nuns become Nuns, they had to have their boobs chopped off.

This horrified me. All my teachers were Nuns.  The more I thought about this, the more it started to make sense. None of the Nuns I ever saw looked like they had boobs. It also explained why they had such short tempers and smacked little boys around all the time.
If someone chopped my boobs off, I’d be an angry little Penguin too; and I’d smack the hell out of little boys…just because.

I spent the next two days at school staring at their habits, you know, where their boobs should be. My brothers were right, none of them had any boobs.

Finally, I couldn’t take it anymore. I walked up to Sister Mary Elizabeth Francis Cassius Clay (that’s not her real name) and asked,”Sister?”
“What is it Michael?”
“Did it hurt?”
“Did what hurt?”
“You know, Sister, when you started being a Nun…chop, chop…didn’t it hurt?
“What are you talking about Michael?”
“You know, when you became a Nun and they chopped your boobs off…
“I’ve never been hit in the head so quickly, so many times and for so long, in my entire life.
What impact did it have on me?
It taught me that truth is stranger than fiction, and sometimes it hurts more.
Think before you speak.
Never underestimate how fast a 70-year-old Nun can move.
Don’t believe everything you read.
Keep your friends close and keep your older brothers closer.
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9 thoughts on “Older Brothers Behaving Badly”

    1. What? You mean your sisters didn’t hide in closets with a pellet gun and then shoot you at point blank range? Or smash their butt on your face while you’re sleeping…and…well…fart?
      I mean…of course they didn’t. Why would they?

  1. I feel your pain brother. I have a totally rational fear of Nuns. Differentiating between Nuns and penguins is now impossible for me. One time I saw a Nun or a penguin with a beard, eat some fish and have been massively confused ever since.

    1. whoa, I’ve had the penguin with a beard dream, except the fish was a nun and they were all praying…scared the crap outta me. I don’t know why but it did. I’m still confused.

  2. This beats the time I gave my little sister a nightmare with one of my bedtime stories!

  3. My parents were in on it too. I remember a Nun called my Dad and told him, “I had to beat Michael today.” I heard my Dad say, “Good for you Sister.”

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