Older Brothers Behaving Badly | HumorOutcasts

Older Brothers Behaving Badly

March 15, 2014

I was asked recently, “What story had the biggest impact on me when I was a child.”
My response was:
My older brothers made me read a story when I was in second or third grade, about how when Nuns become Nuns, they had to have their boobs chopped off.

This horrified me. All my teachers were Nuns.  The more I thought about this, the more it started to make sense. None of the Nuns I ever saw looked like they had boobs. It also explained why they had such short tempers and smacked little boys around all the time.
If someone chopped my boobs off, I’d be an angry little Penguin too; and I’d smack the hell out of little boys…just because.

I spent the next two days at school staring at their habits, you know, where their boobs should be. My brothers were right, none of them had any boobs.

Finally, I couldn’t take it anymore. I walked up to Sister Mary Elizabeth Francis Cassius Clay (that’s not her real name) and asked,”Sister?”
“What is it Michael?”
“Did it hurt?”
“Did what hurt?”
“You know, Sister, when you started being a Nun…chop, chop…didn’t it hurt?
“What are you talking about Michael?”
“You know, when you became a Nun and they chopped your boobs off…
“I’ve never been hit in the head so quickly, so many times and for so long, in my entire life.
What impact did it have on me?
It taught me that truth is stranger than fiction, and sometimes it hurts more.
Think before you speak.
Never underestimate how fast a 70-year-old Nun can move.
Don’t believe everything you read.
Keep your friends close and keep your older brothers closer.

Mike Cyra

Mike Cyra is the author of two #1 bestselling medical humor eBooks: "Emergency Laughter: It Wasn’t Funny When It Happened, But it is Now!" (2011) And "Emergency Laughter: Stories of Humor Inside Ambulances and Operating Rooms." (2015) He's also a contributing author of "My Funny Major Medical," and an award winning writer in the (completely serious), Dying Matters Coalition book: "Final Chapters: Writing About The End of Life." Mike spent 20-years working in Emergency Medicine & Surgery as a Surgical Technologist, a Medic sailing Alaska’s Bering Sea, an Emergency Medical Technician, and an Instructor of Basic Life Support and Maritime Emergency Medicine. Check out Emergency Laughter: amazon.com/author/mikecyra Mike lives in Seattle, Washington

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9 Responses to Older Brothers Behaving Badly

  1. March 17, 2014 at 11:21 am

    Too funny. The things I missed only having sisters.

    • March 17, 2014 at 8:59 pm

      What? You mean your sisters didn’t hide in closets with a pellet gun and then shoot you at point blank range? Or smash their butt on your face while you’re sleeping…and…well…fart?
      I mean…of course they didn’t. Why would they?

  2. Bill Y Ledden
    March 16, 2014 at 8:53 am

    I feel your pain brother. I have a totally rational fear of Nuns. Differentiating between Nuns and penguins is now impossible for me. One time I saw a Nun or a penguin with a beard, eat some fish and have been massively confused ever since.

    • March 17, 2014 at 6:36 am

      whoa, I’ve had the penguin with a beard dream, except the fish was a nun and they were all praying…scared the crap outta me. I don’t know why but it did. I’m still confused.

  3. Kathy Minicozzi
    March 15, 2014 at 11:18 pm

    This beats the time I gave my little sister a nightmare with one of my bedtime stories!

  4. March 15, 2014 at 10:31 am

    Nuns have catlike reflexes. I’ve seen this first hand. It’s what they get in place of their boobs.

    • March 15, 2014 at 3:58 pm

      That’s probably why I have the reflexes of a sleeping dog.

  5. March 15, 2014 at 9:32 am

    My parents were in on it too. I remember a Nun called my Dad and told him, “I had to beat Michael today.” I heard my Dad say, “Good for you Sister.”

  6. March 15, 2014 at 7:46 am

    Wow, your older brothers sicked nuns on you! That’s a tough household!

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