Prestigious Science School Under Fire for Controversial “Whitey Quota”

ANNANDALE, VA – The prestigious Thomas Jefferson High School for Science and Technology, ranked the #1 school in America by many publications, has recently come under fire for its several years old diversity policy, decried mockingly by many as the ‘whitey quota.’

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School officials assert that having a racially diverse mix of students increases the exchange of ideas between different cultural groups in the area and “a whole bunch of other reasons that we can’t think of at the moment.”

Many have spoken out on the subject, though the speakers wish to remain anonymous due to the sensitivity of the subject:

“Students should be chosen purely on merit…on test scores. Accepting whites just because they’re white means taking a spot that rightfully belongs to an Asian…or, like, some other race.”

“This policy actually harms whites themselves. It allows them to slack off and not work as hard. It allows them to lazily get 6 hours of sleep or more. I’ve heard many of them don’t even have to sleep in a cage when they get less than a 97. I know a guy who got a 94 without even being told that he was worthless and wouldn’t amount to anything!”

“They smell funny. They eat weird food. They’ve also got all of this “free time.” They’re just not normal.”

“It’s not a skin color thing. Hey, I have plenty of white friends. I often play online video games with them during my 6 minute time allotment every Friday. They just don’t, as a culture, value success as much. It’s not the kids’ fault though. I think their parents have different priorities, which from what I can tell revolve completely around ‘Duck Dynasty’ and ‘The Bachelor.’ “

Many students feel that the presence of whites has pressured the school to mold the curriculum just to benefit their perceived needs.

“They removed several advanced math classes to make room for Advanced Fantasy Football, Introduction to Middle Management, Delusions of Grandeur, and AP Unjustified Self Confidence. Also, the music classes have even purchased instruments other than the violin. They say that those other instruments can be played by Asians, too, but I can put two and two together… Been doing it since I was 18 months old, in fact.”

In defense of the policy, the school points to a handful of white success stories who have actually managed to become fully functioning members of society. When pressed for their names, officials said they’d get back to us on that.

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