Single Old Female


Married people and people with children sometimes say the darnedest things to single childless people… and by darnedest I mean – dumb, stupid, inane, insulting, ridiculous, and for a big finish let me whip out my favorite word… retarded. Friday night, during the taping of our season finale, one of our network executives who had been on maternity leave, returned. We talked about what she missed. We saw adorable pictures of her adorable son – he is really adorable – and we got caught up on what her life has been like for the past few months raising her very first child. Then someone wandered over as we were mid oooh and aahhh over one of her baby pictures and said “now you know what real love is right?” My head snapped in his direction so quickly I’m still stunned it didn’t spin right off of my spine and roll into the camera aisle. “Oh” I said. “So, I’ll never know what real love is? Wow, thanks for that.” I laughed it off. Ha ha ha ha ha. “I’ll have you know that tonight when I get home, I’m going to make out with Peaches, who I love.” The executive said: “Oh is that your dog?” “Yes, I said.” And we laughed and laughed and laughed and I thought, how quickly can I stab the person who said that and run out of here without anyone seeing me? Now, I am unclear why I am living this life single and childless. Maybe it’s my choice. Maybe it’s not. I don’t spend a lot of my day wondering about it. I am too busy living my life and loving it. Really loving it. Why did I forget to have kids? I don’t know. But I haven’t heard that many convincing stories that I’m missing something so spectacular. You married people and parental people may love what you’re doing but you certainly don’t act that way. Forget gay bashing – I’m single bashed on a daily basis and I’m not gonna lie, I’m exhausted by it. If someone’s not reminding me that I don’t know what real love is because I don’t have children, they’re reminding me I’m single by saying things like “but you’re so pretty why don’t you have a boyfriend.” First of all, I had no idea that if you’re considered pretty you get a boyfriend. Sorry ugly people. And second of all, what am I missing that you people want me hooked up so badly? Other than the sex, which quite frankly, it sounds like none of you are having. I know that some of my friends just want to see me in a relationship because they believe that I will be happier and that my bitchiness is due to the fact that I’m single. It’s not. I’m just a bitch. Also, if one more person says – you need to get laid after I say something mean to them. I will go on a killing spree. Here’s the deal. I am not against boyfriends. I just don’t have one. I am not against children. I just don’t have any. These things are all subject to change. Except the kids because my eggs are way to old and retard may be my favorite word but I don’t think it would be right to knowingly give birth to one. I know what love is. It currently lives in a pair of shoes I can’t afford. When that changes and a man drops out of my ceiling into my bed – preferably Jamie Dornan – I’ll let you all know. Until then – how about we all give single childless people a break? Thoughts?

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4 thoughts on “Single Old Female”

  1. Love the rant! Women everywhere are applauding. They might make you run for office OR if you prefer I can convince Jamie Dornan to rent the apt above you and put a hole in the ceiling over your bedroom and let him fall into your arms literally. You just can’t hold him against his will! promise?

  2. Being single has its own advantages and I suspect many of the people who suggest marriage has some greater benefit to it are secretly jealous that they no longer have the freedom they did when they were single

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