Sports Body Painters Bug Me


Sports fans are crazy, I’ve proven that. But here’s one I’ve never been able to figure: the bare chested painted warblers.

You’ve seen them, right, the hairless naked-from-the-waist-up guys standing in the cold with letters  painted on their chests spelling out their team? What gives? How did this first start? Did a guy wake up one morning from a drunken stupor and say “Heyyy, I know what, why don’t we paint letters on our chests and show off our man nipples? Nowwwww, do I know anyone… who can spell?”

Good luck with that, inebriated frat boy! What makes you want to brush Rust-O-Leum all over your torso? Worried it might rain and you don’t want to rust? Do you have that insatiable urge to tell the world how stupid you are by standing out in 5 degree weather with your rock hard man-nips? Did someone tell you if you painted Sherwin-Williams on your uppers, your team would have a sure win?
Did someone bet you a few Benjamins, or more, that you wouldn’t show up at the game without stopping at the Benjamin-Moore store? How many more paint stores do I have to mention to get my point across?

And, for certain, that spelling thing, you’re going to screw it up. Here’s what you signed yourself up for, if you’re the “B” in A-U-B-U-R-N, you have to stand between two Us the entire game.  What if you like “U” guy to your right but can’t stand “U” guy to your left. Or, say, “U” guy to your left has body odor and incessantly talks about his kitty cat. You can’t just decide you want to visit “A” guy and then go stand next to “A” and be by the nicer “U.” You could, but you’d screw up the formation and people will snap your picture and remark how dumb of these Auburn college kids. Not only could this happen, it did.
                            Stan Silliman humor sports comedycartoons
I’ve seen it happen many times. In fact, if a “STATE” team is playing spelling out “S-T-A-T-E” expect a screw up. Kids from State schools love to mill around, don’t have the proper painted chest responsibilities. I’ve seen the “S” guy want to visit with the last “T” guy and pretty soon they’re spelling out “T-E-A-T-S.”  I don’t want to do any more man-nip jokes but… it fits.  There’s more responsibility than one thinks. People have to go to the restrooms, somebody is going to want to visit a buddy. That’s how an Ohio State frat group had their “B” run off with “S” visiting “U” and then all of a sudden instead of B-U-C-K-E-Y-E-S you’ve got S-U-C-K-E-Y-E.

It gets embarrassing. Don’t change positions. This is how the Alabama fans meant to spell BEAR but instead became BARE, which, of course, they were or how the JETS became JEST and the TIDE turned into an EDIT, or how the Indiana State SYCAMORES became the YMCA…SORES. Don’t ask. I don’t even know what a ROCKYPOT is but it was seen in Knoxville. Even worse if guys from the same school filled up on moonshine, got mixed up crazy so instead of spelling VOLUNTEERS they reviled more than planned with TRUELOVENS.

If you’re going to get your chest emblazoned with colorful enamel, own up to the proposition it might be too much for your little brain to handle. Get some friends to sit a few rows in front of you with mirrors. That way you can check to make sure you’re in order. If you’re standing there for the NOLES, don’t come off as the LEONS, even if all your names are Leon, which, if you’re a Noles fan, chances are your name is Leon.  All I’m saying is you don’t have to be the brightest bulb to be a good fan. Be safe, don’t use toxic paint, know your position and please strap a urinal to your thigh (inside your pants) because as soon as you leave, that’s when the cameras will find your group.  Have a good time.

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3 thoughts on “Sports Body Painters Bug Me”

  1. But maybe, just maybe, this stupid ritual led to the more desirable (at least for me) practice of body painting swimsuit models! Then, maybe it would have been a noble (nipple?) idea.

  2. How drunk do you have to be to not notice freezing-ass cold weather? I, for one, am not willing to find out. And come to think of it, don’t they have to paint each other, since they would surely screw it up if they were looking in the mirror. A bunch of naked guys painting each other? That’s a West Hollywood personal waiting to happen.

  3. I am with you. I don’t care what they rub on their skin to retain heat, it’s freaking cold and when they are on TV showing off how stupid they are, their mothers are wondering why they are laying out thousands to get their sons educated. God, I am getting old.

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