HO– USE FOR SALE:
This elegant beauty has it all: 8 bedrooms, 10 baths, a movie theater, bowling lanes, and an Olympic-sized indoor swimming pool. It even has a separate sauna where your girlfriend and her pals can do hot-box yoga. But don’t tell your wife that!!
If you’re in Securities, this house will put your insecurities to rest. Your friends with kids in public schools will be so impressed. They’ll fawn over your success.
Speaking of fawns, this house is as quiet as an English country estate. You can expect ZERO noise from your neighbors. Why? Because your neighbor to the west was a defense contractor until the feds caught him bribing a Navy procurement officer. And you’ll never see the hedge fund executive next door to the east either. He went to jail for drowning his wife in the pool. Even a jury full of Little People knows that no one manufactures arm-floaties filled with lead!!
Designed by the eminent architect Frank Lloyd Wrong, this house boasts a variety of classic building-styles crafted alongside one another. Does it work? Kinda.
Picture yourself strolling through the luxuriant gardens. The sun is shining. Birds are chirping. Your money is well hidden from the Tax Man. Like the previous owner you’ll have your hands clasped behind your back. But unlike him, you won’t be wearing handcuffs (due to insider trading).
This irresistibly charming home is perfect for couples who want maximum physical distance from each other while pretending to “be together”. It is priced to sell at $10 million (meaning it’s actually worth $5 million).
You’ve worked hard, tricking lower-income people out of their tacky little hovels. You deserve the best. But you should buy this house instead.