Success | HumorOutcasts

Success

January 28, 2014
By

McMansion

HO– USE FOR SALE:

This elegant beauty has it all: 8 bedrooms, 10 baths, a movie theater, bowling lanes, and an Olympic-sized indoor swimming pool. It even has a separate sauna where your girlfriend and her pals can do hot-box yoga. But don’t tell your wife that!!

If you’re in Securities, this house will put your insecurities to rest. Your friends with kids in public schools will be so impressed. They’ll fawn over your success.

Speaking of fawns, this house is as quiet as an English country estate. You can expect ZERO noise from your neighbors. Why? Because your neighbor to the west was a defense contractor until the feds caught him bribing a Navy procurement officer. And you’ll never see the hedge fund executive next door to the east either. He went to jail for drowning his wife in the pool. Even a jury full of Little People knows that no one manufactures arm-floaties filled with lead!!

Designed by the eminent architect Frank Lloyd Wrong, this house boasts a variety of classic building-styles crafted alongside one another. Does it work? Kinda.

Picture yourself strolling through the luxuriant gardens. The sun is shining. Birds are chirping. Your money is well hidden from the Tax Man. Like the previous owner you’ll have your hands clasped behind your back. But unlike him, you won’t be wearing handcuffs (due to insider trading).

Yet.

This irresistibly charming home is perfect for couples who want maximum physical distance from each other while pretending to “be together”. It is priced to sell at $10 million (meaning it’s actually worth $5 million).

You’ve worked hard, tricking lower-income people out of their tacky little hovels. You deserve the best. But you should buy this house instead.

Thomas Sullivan

Thomas Sullivan is the author of So Much Time, So Little Change (a book of essays published by Wayman Publishing). It is available at Amazon in print and Kindle. Thomas lives in Seattle.

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5 Responses to Success

  1. Bill Y Ledden
    January 28, 2014 at 2:02 pm

    You really make me want to buy this place Tom.

  2. January 28, 2014 at 1:13 pm

    Hot box yoga? Seriously? Love it.

    Working on this song:

    “Hot box yoga
    Hot box yoga
    Do I need to wear a toga?
    Can I work out in a fog
    When doing the downward dog?

    Will I injure my own sacrum
    When I try to do a bacrum
    Will my manly parts get fried
    While I’m stretching on my side?

    Hot box yoga!
    Hot box yoga!

    Can I do an ushtrasana
    While sweatin’ in the sauna
    Can I do a butterfly
    Without my testes asking “Why?”

    The heat will help me stretch
    It’ll be more pleasant when I retch
    I’ll end up upside down
    With thingees pointing to the ground

    Whether the Camel or a Rabbit
    This stretching could be habit
    I’ll try to please my knees
    While my back, it turns to cheese

    Hot box sauna, hot box sauna
    Wake me next manana.

    • January 28, 2014 at 2:52 pm

      You need to copyright than and market it. Hilarious.

  3. January 28, 2014 at 12:50 pm

    Location, location, location and white collar crime? Who could ask for more?

  4. January 28, 2014 at 11:46 am

    I think you have a new career as a real estate salesman!



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