Anthropologists are continually fighting over human origins. Some say we evolved from some small brained-knuckle-dragging Neanderthals populating the earth one to two million years ago. Others, holding to the EVE –or Garden of Eden –theory say the woman, Eve, popped up in Africa 207,000 years ago. The molecular biologists studying the genes from all ethnic and racial groups, traced the lineage back to the mitochondrial gene – those that are passed on only by mothers, indicating a common erect maternal ancestor. But was it Eve? We can find the answer only by making a very, very, long distance call. Silliman on Sports will spare no expense and ask her.
SOS: Eve, is this THE Eve? It’s 2014 here; and some of your great great (the lineage is shortened for space considerations) grandchildren would like to know how you started and how were things back in the Garden
EVE: Well, you know …. Here I was…. In the valley. You might call me a valley girl. … scooting around on all fours, having a good time… when I got this idea: “What about a garden?”
SOS: You could see a Garden?
EVE: Oh yeah. Only I wasn’t too smart, small brain and all that. So I wasn’t sure how to get there. Directions? I always had a problem. But my intuition told me, “over the next hill.” And I was ready to go. But I had this big headache from nightclubbing with the Neanderthals the night before… A few knots on the noggin, I wanna tell you… So, I rolled down on all fours to the Garden.
SOS: Was that fun? Rolling?
EVE: Are you kidding? Porcupines, alligators—you never know what you’re going to roll over. And I hurt my back. Whoa!!! So this guy, Adam, comes along. And is he a Pea Brain! He asked, “What are you doing lying face down in the mud?” And I say, “My back, dummy. My back!“ Only he don’t hear so good because my face is in the mud. It sounds like “Myssskghj. Myssskghj.”
SOS: And then what happened?
EVE: I said he was a dummy. He LEAVES and doesn’t come back for 50 years. He could’ve KNOWN me when I was in my prime… under 200… but NO! He has to check out the flora and the fauna, sow a few wild oats with those Cro-magnons… and I’m lying there mutating.
SOS: You sound bitter. Are you?
EVE: Whoever understands men, y’know? It’s not like I had a lot of experience. But 200 years with my face in the mud? It did wonders for my complexion and… eliminated all the hair off the front of my body. Anyway, I had eaten all the fruit with an arm’s reach and … was still hungry … and I saw this apple in this tree… and that is when I did it.
SOS: Did what?
EVE: I stood up, dummy. Who are you… anyway? You never heard this …. ????????????
SOS: So you advocate standing. You wanted to go back to the original village and STAND and show them. You were proud, right?
EVE: Do fig leaves itch? Sure. I was proud. I was all ready to strut into the village and say, “Look at me – new species.” I wanted to tell them to get up off their knuckles that there are better games than Leap Frog or head butting the sabre-tooth.
SOS: So what did the Neanderthals say?
EVE: Nothing! They were gone, wiped out. Sabre-tooth tigers had bashed their little pea-brains down their throats.
SOS: So then what did you do?
EVE: What do you think? I ran back to the Garden and told Adam that the Earth’s in trouble and we’ve got some populating to do. If he’s able. He said, “I’m Adam, maybe we could call one of our kids Able. And how about that raising Cain stuff? I said, “That too: You need to be begetting.”
SOS: So, here we are?
EVE: Here you are. I sometimes think my standing up helped humans develop bigger brains. And being able to see above the bushes lets in more light. Eating apples is also supposed to help. I started that. But hey, it’s just my theory, and who am I anyway? Just the mini-brained MOTHER of you ALL.
What I would like to hear from Eve is her secret of staying alive and (we assume) relatively fit – or at least still able to hold a conversation – for all these thousands of years.