The Polar Vortex Loves New York

The Polar Vortex got bored with its usual routine of deep-freezing only the northern latitudes and decided to take advantage of global warming and take a trip south. It had never been to New York City, and was dying to share some arctic weather with us.

In the process of dipping sideways onto the East Coast of the United States, it decided to give a huge chunk of Alaska the warmest winter it has had in anyone’s memory. I don’t know what Alaskans think of this, but we New Yorkers kind of resent the exchange, since nobody asked us if we wanted it.

We shouldn’t complain too much, though, because the unusually frigid weather is doing some nice things for us.

Our trees might not be blooming with their usual flowers, leaves and fruit, but they are blossoming with snowballs. Our grass is under a protective layer of white, wet stuff, protecting it from air pollution, kids, the neighbors and other menaces.

Automobiles are being given a well-deserved rest while, at the same time, being covered in something that will automatically wash them when it melts.

Fashion-conscious women have a chance to show off the latest in winter outerwear.

Last but not least, every New Yorker has a chance to exercise and perfect his/her long jumping technique over gigantic slush puddles. Those who do not wish to jump have a chance to test out new waterproof boots, to see if they are really waterproof or not. Thus, a new sport called “Winter Wading” has been invented. Another winter sport, called “Sidewalk Ice Skating” has been revived to take advantage of the fact that, when the temperature dips below the freezing point and it rains or snows, everything ends up under ice.

So maybe we should stop complaining and just stay inside where it’s warm and dry and have a drink … or two.