Him: Let’s settle this like men.
Me: Agreed.
*drinks beer and ignores the problem*
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 13, 2014
Wife: I’m making pulled pork.
Me: Feel free to pull my pork.
Wife:
Me: *winks incessantly*
I didn’t get a handjob or dinner.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 14, 2014
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 13, 2014
Girl:*posts ring pic* Easiest question I’ve ever been asked
Me: Was the question, “Want to ruin your life?”
I’m not invited to the wedding
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 13, 2014
1-year-old: *tries to say a word*
*accidentally swears*
Wife: That’s horrible.
Me: I know.
*makes her swear 100 more times*
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 13, 2014