I bought my kids an inflatable punching bag. My 1-year-old daughter stabbed it with a pen. She learned to fight on the streets.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 19, 2014
Not to brag, but I can make someone go from “nice to meet you” to “never speak to me again” in under 10 seconds.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 19, 2014
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno. 1-year-old: *eats it* *screams in pain* Me: At least you learned your lesson. 1: *eats another one*
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 19, 2014
Wife: Stop sobbing Me: It’s OK for men to show emotions W: You’re crying over a burrito M: I’m just so happy. Did you see all that meat?
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 19, 2014
100% of all nunchuck-related injuries are self-inflicted. It’s by far the manliest way to commit suicide.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 19, 2014