Me: It’s cold. You need a hat. 3-year-old daughter: But it’ll mess up my hair. She put fashion ahead of comfort. She’s officially a woman.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 21, 2014
When my wife says, “Let’s build a shelf,” what she means is, “You build it while I nag you until you wish you were dead.” It’s a team effort
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 21, 2014
My wife was in the mood for sex, but then she saw a sappy animal commercial. I got cock-blocked by Sarah McLachlan.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 21, 2014
It amazes me I’m legally allowed to drive a 1,500-pound car. It’s like the DMV doesn’t even know I accidentally started 2 toaster fires.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 21, 2014
3-year-old daughter: Daddy, tickle me! Me: *tickles her* 3: DADDY, DON’T TICKLE ME! Girls are complicated when they’re little, too.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 21, 2014