My wife gives our 1-year-old constant love and attention. I gave her the sticker from an orange. Now I’m her favorite parent.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 2, 2014
Sir Mix-a-Lot: "I like big butts and I cannot lie."
*lie detector buzzes*
"Wait, I can explain."
*crowd boos*
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 2, 2014
I have no idea how to talk to teenagers today. When I see one, I just quote random lines from “Saved by the Bell” until they go away.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 2, 2014
Me: Why’d you put a plastic animal in the Barbie car?
3-year-old: The dolphin is driving everyone home
That must’ve been a hell of a party
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 2, 2014
Me: How much do you think I’d need to work out to be hot?
Wife: I don’t know. How many sit-ups does it take to get a new face?
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 2, 2014