Today I learned baby rabbits come from mother rabbits, not from a magician’s hat. My entire childhood was a lie.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 24, 2014
If I had one wish, it would be to hear Mr. T say “I pity the fool” after sucking in helium. Fuck world peace.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 24, 2014
Wife: Where do you think people go when they die? Me: The wedding chapel Wife: Me: I thought you meant “on the inside.”
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 24, 2014
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 24, 2014
I can tell how long you’ve been married by where you sit 1 year: next to each other 5: opposite sides of the couch 25: different houses
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 24, 2014
Right now the Wicked Witch is saying, “He gets me; I want to have his babies.” Watch out!