Hey, scientists: If wizards and spells aren’t real, then explain magic markers. *scientists’ heads explode*
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 25, 2014
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, when you die, can I wear makeup?” If the police ask why I was murdered, it was over eye shadow.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 25, 2014
Apparently “tea” is old-fashioned slang for “marijuana.” I was wrong about you, everyone in England.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 25, 2014
*gathers world leaders in one room* *hands everyone a kitten* *wins Nobel Peace Prize*
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 26, 2014
Cop: Where’s the crime? Me: *points to text conversation* Cop: You’re right! They murdered the English language. *arrests all teenagers*
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 26, 2014