Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men. Peter: *harpoons a guy* Jesus: Too literal, bro.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 26, 2014
Sure, random teenager, you have swag, but only if “swag” means “unjustified arrogance and major entitlement issues.”
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 26, 2014
Wife: How many drinks have you had? Me: One Wife: Good Me: *whispers* …at a time Wife: What? Me: Nothing *sips beer number 23*
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 26, 2014
I spilled a bowl of cheese dip on my dog. I’d apologize, but I’ve never seen him so happy.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 26, 2014
I thought I needed friends, but then I remembered I have beer and an original Nintendo. I’ll never leave home again.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 26, 2014