Coworker: Can you jump my car? Me: Probably. I can jump pretty high. Coworker: I’ll ask someone else. Me: Is it because I’m white?
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 28, 2014
1-year-old: *takes my ChapStick* *applies it directly to her tongue* *offers it back to me* Me: That’s OK. It’s yours now.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 28, 2014
The former Marlboro man recently died of a smoking-related illness. Marlboro was quick to point out he still looks super cool for a dead guy
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 28, 2014
Me: I’ve got Valentine’s Day all planned out. Wife: It better not involve Jägermeister or a bouncy castle. It’s back to the drawing board.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 29, 2014
No man buys a minivan by choice. Every Honda Odyssey should come with complimentary bottles of whiskey and Xanax.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 28, 2014
