I hit my wife’s ass with a wooden spoon in the hope it would lead to sex, but it actually led to a spoon fight that I lost. Marriage is hard
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 3, 2014
My Facebook news feed is full of other people’s inspirational weight-loss posts. I just uploaded 100 pictures of bacon. Checkmate.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 3, 2014
Me: Hold your horses.
3-year-old: I don’t have any horses.
Me: That’s not what I mean.
3: Don't be mean to horses.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 3, 2014
1-year-old: *hands me popcorn*
Me: *eats it* Wait, was that in your mouth?
1: *spits more into her hands*
Protip: Don’t have kids.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 3, 2014
Don’t waste your money on karate lessons. It turns out they won’t teach you how to rip out a human spine like Sub-Zero in “Mortal Kombat.”
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 3, 2014
awesome as always.