There are no awkward silences in my marriage. My wife fills them all with words. So. Many. Words.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 4, 2014
Wife: Am I emotional when I’m pregnant?
Me: You screamed at me b/c I bought the wrong kind of cheese cake
W: Do it again and I’ll cut you.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 4, 2014
Me: I’d never hold your purse.
Wife: You are my purse.
Me: *checks pockets*
*finds lip gloss and tampons*
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 4, 2014
Wife: *rolls over in bed* What are you thinking about?
Me: Headless child mannequins
Wife:
Me: They can’t open doors, can they?
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 4, 2014
I’m not trying to rush you, dear. I’m just pointing out that men have built entire cathedrals in the time it took you to shave one leg.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 4, 2014