In my sex tape, my wife says, “Not tonight,” and then I play “Mario Kart” for two hours.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 5, 2014
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 5, 2014
My wife’s walk of shame was down the aisle of a church.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 5, 2014
I never said you’ll die alone. I’m certain your death will be witnessed by at least 62 cats.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 5, 2014
My 1-year-old tried to feed her baby doll a nacho. She’s going to be a terrible mother. She forgot to put cheese on it.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 5, 2014
I think I love how your three year old commands attention! She has a bright future!