3-year-old: *spreads her arms* I love you this much.
Me: You love me 3 feet? I’m 6’2”. You love half of me.
3:
Me: I GAVE YOU LIFE
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 6, 2014
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 6, 2014
I’m no expert on world history, but I’m pretty sure France’s greatest military victory is still the furniture fight in “Beauty & the Beast”
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 6, 2014
Me: I took out the trash.
Wife: So?
Me: There’s a foot of snow. That’s worth a BJ.
I negotiated her up to a handshake. I still finished.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 6, 2014
Sometimes I feel like I’m the master of my own destiny, but then I spend an hour shoveling snow so my dog has a place to poop.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 6, 2014
