3-year-old: *hands me a plastic stegosaurus* "Here’s an extra one. Just in case."
I don’t know what’s about to happen, but I’m terrified.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 7, 2014
3-year-old: Daddy, I brought you a beer.
*hands me a cup*
Me: It’s empty.
3: It’s just pretend.
Talk about an emotional roller coaster.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 7, 2014
Me: You’re never loud during sex.
Wife: That’s not true. Sometimes I snore.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 7, 2014
My wife took my hand and softly said, “I want you.” Too bad she ended it with “…to shut up and go away before I stab you.”
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 7, 2014
Wife: Guess what happened at work
Me: Tell me in 1 sentence or less
W: I hate you
M: Concise and to the point. That’s your best story yet
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 7, 2014