How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 8, 2014
Wife: Let’s watch a scary movie.
Me: *puts in a DVD*
W: Did you seriously just put in our wedding video?
M: The scariest stories are true
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 8, 2014
My wife and I fist-bumped because we had enough diaper reward points to get a free pack. This must be what it feels like to be dead inside.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 8, 2014
*changes the battery in a smoke detector*
*adds “fireman” to résumé*
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 8, 2014
Women make the best archaeologists. Every time they argue with a man, they get more experience at digging up shit from the past.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 8, 2014
You are a funny funny man! I hope your wife appreciates how famous she is becoming.
“Appreciate” is a strong word. “Grudgingly tolerates” is more accurate.