Dennis Rodman: *goes to North Korea*
*wins basketball game*
*kills Kim Jong-un*
N Koreans: You freed us!
D: Nope
*becomes new dictator*
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 9, 2014
I saw a woman on the side of the road changing her tire. I’m a nice guy, so I honked supportively as I drove by.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 9, 2014
Canadians are the most resilient people on earth. Every summer, they all have to overcome becoming homeless when their igloos melt.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 9, 2014
My 3-year-old learned lots of new words by riding in the car with me. Now I have to bribe her so she never repeats them in front of my wife.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 9, 2014
Wife: You just use me for sex
Me: You just use me for companionship & emotional support
The key to a happy marriage is mutual exploitation
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 9, 2014
I think he might make a good dictator but he can’t have guns. Something about NBA stars and guns doesn’t go together.
Guns are out of the question. I doubt he could pass the background check to own a pointed stick.