Wife: What did you get me for Valentine’s Day? Me: The gift of being married to me. You’re all invited to my funeral.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 14, 2014
After dying due to mechanical problems, China’s lunar rover unexpectedly came back to life. The moon now has a robot zombie. Fuck that place
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 14, 2014
Go up to a hot woman and ask, “Is your mom fat?” It shows you’re thinking long-term. Bitches love commitment.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 14, 2014
Me: It’s time to go. 3-year-old: I’m asleep. Me: You’re talking. 3: No I’m not. I know when I’m beat.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 14, 2014
How to seduce a sapiosexual: 1) be smart enough to know what “sapiosexual” means. That’s it.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 14, 2014