Wife: *cleans like crazy* Me: Calm down. It’s my mom coming over, not the pope. *my mom walks in with the pope* Wife: Mother fucker…
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 16, 2014
My 1-year-old figured out her talking baby doll stops crying if she bangs its head on the floor. Someday she’ll make a fine babysitter.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 16, 2014
My 3 y.o. cried because I told her to watch our 32″ TV instead of our 50″ one. Someday that’ll be her version of “I walked uphill both ways”
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 16, 2014
My wife asked, “Do you think she’s hot?” I don’t know what answer she wanted, but it wasn’t “Relax, I’d only bang her if you were dead.”
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 16, 2014
Wife: If you knew the world would end in an hour, what would you do? Me: I’d have sex. Wife: What about the other 59 minutes?
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 16, 2014