Sorry I didn’t hold the door for you but I was afraid you’d make awkward small talk. That’s why I locked the door & blocked it with a chair.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 20, 2014
Me: Don’t worry. I know what I’m doing. Wife: You’re going to fuck up everything, aren’t you? It’s like she can predict the future.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 20, 2014
My hot sauce addiction is getting out of hand. Last night I put Frank’s RedHot on my heartburn tablets.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 20, 2014
In the final episode of “Sesame Street,” Elmo drives a stake through the Count’s heart and the terrible reign of the vampires finally ends.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 20, 2014
I don’t get people who drink coffee as soon as they get to the office. I can’t imagine anything worse than being wide awake for work.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 20, 2014