My 1-year-old daughter said, “awesome,” and then put up her hand for a high-five. Apparently I’m raising a bro.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 24, 2014
Bad news would be easier to take if doctors delivered it in a Yoda voice: “Clogged, your arteries are. Too many cheeseburgers, you ate.”
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 23, 2014
The ugly duckling teaches kids it’s OK if they’re not pretty at the start as long as they’re pretty in the end. Fuck you unattractive people
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 23, 2014
A Barbie got moldy from the tub, so I pulled off her limbs and put her in bleach. I accidentally taught my toddler how to cover up a murder.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 23, 2014
I hate to break it to you, but alligator wrestling isn’t real. Their stubby little arms can’t even hold a folding chair.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 23, 2014
You made me re-think the entire moral of the Ugly Duckling and I’m not pleased! Funny stuff
If I can ruin just one childhood memory a day, then I’ve done my job.