Detective: I found the murder weapon. *holds up kindness* Rookie cop: You mean she killed him with… Detective: Yep Rookie: *throws up*
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 24, 2014
3-year-old: Do you have a mat for your naps at work? Me: We don’t get to take naps. Now she doesn’t want to grow up. Smart girl.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 24, 2014
The register at Arby’s broke, so the clerk had to add tax to my order by hand. I got to see America’s education system fail in slow motion.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 24, 2014
I don’t see how I can be arrested for going to a yoga class naked from the waist down. Nobody makes yoga pants for men. I’m the victim here.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 24, 2014
Me: Hold my hand when we cross the road 3-year-old: No. If a car comes, I’ll kick it away I should let her. I might be raising a superhero
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 24, 2014
I LOVE the last one!