Wife: You’re the worst husband ever. Me: This is such an honor. Wife: It’s not a real award. Me: *pulls out acceptance speech*
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 25, 2014
Ladies, your long, pedicured nails scare away guys. No man has ever said, “She has talons like an eagle. I should ask for a handjob.”
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 25, 2014
Harold Ramis, who wrote and acted in “Ghostbusters,” died. Hopefully he’ll rest in peace, but if he doesn’t, we all know who to call.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 25, 2014
Wife: What do you want to do for date night? Me: Well- Wife: I don’t want frozen burritos followed by sex. Me: GET OUT OF MY HEAD!
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 25, 2014
Boss: You know what your problem is? Me: That I work for a boss who points out my problems I guess the answer he wanted was “bad attitude”
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 25, 2014