Coworker: I’m offended Me: I’m sorry to hear that C: Thanks Me: No, I’m sorry to hear your voice at all. The fact you exist depresses me.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 27, 2014
There’s only one way to even the odds: Add 1 to each of them. That’s right, I made a math joke. This is officially rock bottom.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 27, 2014
Wife: Want to visit my parents? Me: I’d rather stick my dick in a pencil sharpener W: It’d fit I lose all fights b/c she’s seen me naked
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 27, 2014
Interviewer: Have you been convicted of a felony? Me: Does murder count? Him: Me: Wait, you said “convicted.” Then, no, absolutely not.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 27, 2014
Boss: You’re enthusiastic and upbeat today. Me: Thanks. Boss: Time for a drug test. He knows me too well.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 27, 2014