Me:*stands on the scale* *steps off* *stands on it again* Wife: Why’d you do that? I can’t tell her, but now I know the weight of a fart
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 5, 2014
Me: *goes to the dollar store* *picks a dollar item* *hands the clerk a dollar* Clerk: That’ll be $1.07. Me: YOU RUN A HO– USE OF LIES!
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 5, 2014
If a woman says, “Let’s agree to disagree,” what she means is “If you don’t shut up, someone will find your body in 9 different trash cans.”
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 5, 2014
My 3-year-old daughter: *begs to wear her brand new snow boots* *makes me carry her so she doesn’t get snow on them*
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 5, 2014
I grew a beard and told 2 high schoolers I was Abraham Lincoln. The dumb one didn’t know who that was. The smart one asked for my autograph.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 6, 2014