Selena Gomez spent two weeks in rehab for emotional trauma. The embarrassment from dating Justin Bieber finally sank in.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 6, 2014
Your mom destroyed her vagina for your ugly head. Don’t make her regret it more than she already does. That concludes today’s pep talk.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 6, 2014
I’ve got to get this off my chest: When I was 7, I peed in the ocean. Sorry you’ve all been swimming in my toilet.
*waits to be arrested*
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 6, 2014
Me: That went according to plan
Coworker: Only if your plan was to fuck up so bad no one trusts you w/ important work
Mission accomplished
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 6, 2014
Me: THUNDERCATS, ASSEMBLE!
Wife: Seriously?
Apparently that was the wrong catchphrase to shout during sex.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 6, 2014