Unicorn Bites 2/8/14

I already said I was sorry, so I don’t know why you’re still hung up on this. I can’t unburn down your house.

— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 8, 2014

If a girl gets mad at you for not noticing her hair cut, just say you didn’t want to draw attention to all that gray. She’ll calm right down

— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 8, 2014

I could sleep through a hurricane, but my eyes shoot open if I hear my 3-year-old whisper, “I have to pee.” My brain knows the real threat.

— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 9, 2014

Me: *watches Star Wars* Padme is pregnant like Mommy 3-year-old: Will Anakin kill Mommy, too? Now I have to check under her bed for Jedi.

— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 8, 2014

Bouncer: You’re not cool enough to come in Me: *puts on sunglasses* B: Give it up, bro M:*puts on 3 pairs at once* B: Come right in, sir

— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 8, 2014