Me:*turns on car radio* 3-year-old: Why do they keep saying “sexy.” M: It means “fun to hug” 3: Our dog is sexy! Now we drive in silence
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 11, 2014
I spent 20 minutes combing dried syrup out of my 1-year-old’s hair, in case you wondered why I now make her wear a shower cap at dinner.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 11, 2014
Coworker: You’re scum. Me: You mean like algae, which makes most of the earth’s oxygen? Him: Me: Without me, you’d be dead.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 11, 2014
Wife: This is an asymmetrical marriage Me: *googles “asymmetrical”* W: It means I contribute more than you M: Your face is asymmetrical
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 11, 2014
Coworker: You didn’t return my call. Me: I totally meant to, but I went deaf in both ears. Him: But you can hear me right now. Me: What?
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 11, 2014