I drink in moderation, but I define “moderation” as “not quite enough to kill me.”
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 18, 2014
A female mantis kills the male after sex. That used to seem cruel, but now that I’m married with kids I think the male mantis gets off easy.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 18, 2014
Salad is just depression in food form.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 18, 2014
The real serving size for any package of candy is “all of it.” *opens another 3-pound bag of M&Ms*
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 18, 2014
There’s only one recipe I know how to make. It’s for disaster, and the lone ingredient is tequila.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 18, 2014