3-year-old daughter: I have 2 boyfriends Me: No, you have 2 friends who are boys 3: I’ll marry them Good luck doing that from the convent
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 23, 2014
I sent my online bank a text asking for my balance. It sent me back a frowny face.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 23, 2014
When I was a teenager, everyone’s phone number was listed in a book and no one had caller ID. It’s amazing any of us survived.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 24, 2014
I’m about to walk into Walmart in jeans instead of pajama pants. They’ll either throw me out or worship me as a god.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 23, 2014
I didn’t fall asleep while you were talking, honey. I entered an unresponsive meditative state so I could concentrate harder on your words.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 23, 2014