Ladies, only move in with guys who own cats. They’ve already been trained to serve small, ungrateful creatures who think they own the place
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 25, 2014
Justin Bieber is awfully cocky for a guy who will have the height and build of an eighth grader for the rest of his life.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 25, 2014
Me: I named a star after you. Female coworker: That’s so sweet. Me: Look to the right of Orion’s Belt and you’ll see Skanky Bitch Face.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 25, 2014
How to diet like me: 1) Cut a candy bar in half. 2) Eat half. 3) Eat the other half. 4) Eat the wrapper.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 25, 2014
Me: Don’t change the channel. This show is educational. Wife: What could it possibly teach you? Me: How to kill a zombie with a crossbow.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 25, 2014
Educational TV is serious business.