Wife: You don’t understand pregnancy Me: Sure I do. You whine for 10 months & then fire a kid from your baby cannon I’m basically a doctor
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 5, 2014
Girl, are you a magazine subscription? Because you have at least 12 issues and I’m not interested in any of them.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 4, 2014
At this stage of her pregnancy, my wife would be less upset if I cheated on her than if I hid food. She bit me over half a brownie.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 4, 2014
“Fuck. Why did I do that?”—me, 10 seconds after I volunteer for anything
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 4, 2014
Wife: Why do you smell like tree sap? Me: Why don’t you? W: M: W: M: W: Leave the squirrel alone. M: That fucker stole my Starburst.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 5, 2014
