“Just be yourself.”—people who want me to fail at life
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 13, 2014
Me: Well? Doctor: You’re it M: What?! D: You got tagged in 1991 & never tagged anyone else M: Will I die? D: You should already be dead
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 13, 2014
3-year-old: *sings what’s on the radio* Me: Are you going to repeat every song you hear? 3: Yes! Me: *puts in German heavy metal*
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 13, 2014
“It’s sexier to leave some things to the imagination.”—women who know nothing about men
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 13, 2014
My 3-year-old just realized fish sticks contain actual fish and now she hates me for killing Nemo.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 13, 2014
I am now doing a double take the next time I’m advised to “be myself” and will ask, “What the hell is that supposed to mean?”