The other day I read an article on how anti-gay policies are driving young people away from traditional churches. Right below that article was another in which the Dalai Lama posited that “technology cannot produce compassion.” Though I dig DL, on this one I think he’s wrong. You can’t always trust someone who dresses in the same color as inmates collecting trash along the side of the highway.
I’ve got a way to bring young people back to church and have technology produce compassion. It’s my innovative new house of worship: The iChurch.
Here’s how the iChurch will work:
1) All masses will be delivered via group-Skype. Remember how as a kid you had to wait for an ancient priest to finish before you could hit the donuts? At iChurch you can nibble on donuts the entire time!
2) My message is simple: everyone is the same. Black/white, gay/straight, male/female, American/Non-American, etc. We all want the same things (love, security, donuts, etc.). Anything like patriotism or class or religious affiliation that separates and divides us is complete bullshit.
3) Remember going to your knees to pray and then struggling back up onto that rock-hard pew? There will be no forced aerobics at iChurch. Nope, at prayer time everyone tweets whatever thoughts they have related to #2 above. From a Barca-Lounger.
4) Eucharists will be downloadable and printable on your home 3D printer. No more worrying about where that priest’s fingers have been.
5) Remember that guy at Mass who would come around with a long-handled basket for “donations”? And Dad would rifle through his wallet, only to find that he’d forgotten to get some small bills. So he’d grimace and drop in a twenty, lest he appear cheap before the entire congregation. Well, at iChurch you’ll pay ONCE via PayPal. And the annual membership is only $10!
6) If one million Millennials join, that’ll net iChurch 10 million bucks (tax free!!). And you know what that means – I’ll be driving a Porsche with tinted windows and a license plate that reads “LUV*GOD”.
But all kidding aside, it’s all about step #2. Really.