For The Love of God, Keep Your Pants On! | HumorOutcasts

For The Love of God, Keep Your Pants On!

December 13, 2017

It appears that famous men in this country have a serious problem keeping their pants on in situations that require them to be wearing pants, leaving the rest of us to wonder, “Dude, what the fuck?!”

Since you can’t seem to figure this out yourself, here is a handy test you can run to determine if you should drop your pants and whip out your penis in front of a woman in your office.  Ask yourself, “Am I filming a porno right now?”  Now if you are unsure of the answer, look toward the office door you just creepily locked and ask yourself these questions:

  1. Do I see a craft services table?
  2. Is there a Fluffer standing by with lube and tissue?
  3. Is there a dude with a sweet mullet wearing a denim vest standing near the door holding a boom microphone?

If the answer to any of these 3 questions is no, you are not filming a porno,  therefore, the woman you are talking to does not want you to drop your pants and show her your penis.

Which leads us to the overreaching point…NO ONE wants to see your penis.  Hell, I am wiling to bet that your wife or girlfriend probably doesn’t want to see it the majority of the time either.  I am also fairly confident that statistically 98% of the public at large has no desire to ever see you drop your pants and show your junk.  The other 2% probably just want to get a picture so they can mock you on social media about how small it is or what the deal is with that weird curve thing you have going on.  So do us all a favor and keep it in your pants.

You see, women at work are only talking to you because they have to.  Like most people (in case you forgot, women are people too) they hate work and hate their boss even more.  If it wasn’t for the job they would never be talking to you, much less interested in your penis.  If you think, “Wow, she smiled.  I should lock the door so she can’t get out and then I can masturbate in front of her.  Women love that” your next move should be to call a psychiatrist because you are bat shit crazy.

Have you ever looked at yourself while you are masturbating.  I mean, gotten in front of a mirror and looked?  Standing there all hunched and sweaty making weird and super creepy faces while you slap your dick around.  If you haven’t, let me help you.

Check out this asshole:

This is Louis CK, who is now famous for constantly locking women in tight places and forcing them to watch him touch himself.  So instead of looking in a mirror you could simply try imagining this ugly, ginger-haired bastard slapping his meat with his pants around his ankles.  Notice the weird beads of sweats and hear those slapping noises and hot-breathy grunts? Now hold that image for a second and understand you probably look 10x worse.

I guess the hardest thing for me to wrap my head around is why you want someone watching.  I have spent the majority of my adult life going to great, and often confusing lengths to make sure no one ever sees me doing it.

I also think you don’t understand the terror these women must feel.  I mean their first thought must be “oh shit, this guy is gonna try and rape me”  Think about that for a second and understand what a disgusting piece of shit you are.  Rape is a horrific and violent crime and here you are, threatening them with the possibility of that when they are just trying to do their job or meet someone whose work they might admire.  If you are one of these people, do everyone a favor and just go away.  We don’t want you around anymore.

So I will finish with a handy checklist that you can use to help you navigate the rest of your life:

  1. If you are standing behind a women it doesn’t mean give her a massage.  if she wanted one, she would be at the spa
  2. Don’t get all close to their face and neck so they can feel your breath.  It most likely stinks like coffee and ass.
  3. If a woman is standing next to you during a photo, it doesn’t mean she wants you to touch her ass.  So don’t.
  4. Keep your pants on and follow the checklist above and everyone will be much healthier and happier.

David Salinard

I am a 40 something slightly bitter husband and father from NJ living in Southern California. I needed an outlet so I started my blog,, where I make light of current events, family, parenting, movies, random weirdness, and bizarre fast food, all while stuffing my face with cheese doodles and self-loathing. I can also be found on facebook, tumblr, and google+.

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3 Responses to For The Love of God, Keep Your Pants On!

  1. December 19, 2017 at 3:10 pm

    Well said.

  2. December 15, 2017 at 12:55 am


  3. December 14, 2017 at 8:11 am

    You should give workshops. I bet men would come.

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