Time to Shake It Up! | HumorOutcasts

Time to Shake It Up!

February 15, 2017

Webster’s defines a rut as  “An uninspired routine or pattern of behavior that one continues unthinkingly or because change is difficult.”  Surprisingly, it’s also “a periodic and often annually recurring state of certain male animals (such as deer or elk) during which behavior associated with the urge to breed is displayed”, but we will stick with the first one since I have no desire to breed and have recently had my antlers removed.

Wow, that first one is totally early 40s me! So now that I have defined my problem, time to seek professional help to fix it.  I then set out to speak to my favorite medical professional, Dr. Google.  I like using Dr. Google over other medical professionals because

  1. It’s is free
  2. It has loads of information on every medical situation known to mankind.

The main drawbacks are his love of porn and the 5,687 unfortunate false cancer diagnosis I have gotten, but its free and I can do it from my couch so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯.

According to Dr. Google, the best thing to do when in a rut is shake things up.  Just find some random shit that isn’t what you are doing and start doing that all the time.  OK, seemed simple enough, so based on his feedback, here are 5 things you can do right now to start  Life Shakeup 2017.

Drink energy drinks instead of water – Energy is important and water contains zero caffeine or fun, so it’s  time to swap it out for something better.  Energy drinks.  And not Red Bull or Monster, I mean really go for it by finding one from a country without FDA protections, like Chechnya.  If you can’t,  drink this.

cocaineWith a name like Cocaine, what could possibly go wrong? Knocking back 5 of these a day for a week, followed by your wife discovering you in the living room at 3am re-enacting the Battle of Hastings with your son’s Lego mini-figures will certainly add some  needed spice to your life.

Make new friends – Become a hipster. Grow a beard, shop at Thrift stores, and wear ironic T-Shirts everywhere and for every occasion. You will quickly lose your old friends but will meet a whole bunch of new, douche bag hipster friends that you can sit with in coffee shops, go to Bernie Sanders rallies with, and only eat at restaurants that serve sustainable meats and organic veggies.

Keep a journal – All the lists seem to contain this. But don’t just do a regular journal.  Oh no, we are going for a shakeup, and a regular journal will just be full of the normal pissing and moaning you do everyday about how terrible your life is and that smell in your house you can’t seem to locate.  Instead, start drunk journaling.  People are more honest when they are drunk so get plowed 3 nights a week and write in your journal.   You will never get a more honest assessment of your life and how you feel about yourself.  Then every two weeks go back and read the posts and realize how much better life was before your started journaling.  It’s the circle of life.

Start an exercise routine – Exercise routines are always on these lists. Easiest way to do it seems to be joining a Yoga gym and talking about nothing but breathing and meditation to anyone and everyone that will listen.  Then all you have to do is change your name to River Wolf and you are now River Wolf from Yoga-Flex. As an added bonus, it allows you to wear loose fitting pants everywhere you go. This will also works with Cross-Fit but you should change your name to Chase instead.

The Morning Routine – Start doing your morning routine at work instead of at home.  Get to work early before anyone else, slip into your bathrobe and head for the community kitchen or break room.  Brush your teeth in the sink, wash up, and then sit around in our robe drinking coffee.  When people come in, make sure to say “One hell of a mornin’ we got here” and slowly sip your coffee and read a newspaper.  It is important to make sure the top of the bathroom is open enough to show off any chest hair or suspicious moles you might have.

These should get you off and running for 2017 and it is way more fun than a bunch of bullshit resolutions you will never keep.  Shake-up opportunities are everywhere, so don’t miss an opportunity to take your life out a whole new door or flying out a 6 story window.  Either one works.

David Salinard

I am a 40 something slightly bitter husband and father from NJ living in Southern California. I needed an outlet so I started my blog, Bitterbeardface.com, where I make light of current events, family, parenting, movies, random weirdness, and bizarre fast food, all while stuffing my face with cheese doodles and self-loathing. I can also be found on facebook, tumblr, and google+.

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2 Responses to Time to Shake It Up!

  1. February 17, 2017 at 5:30 am

    Become a hipster would surely shake things up in my house–my wife hates hipsters.

  2. February 15, 2017 at 7:11 pm

    Dr. Google huh? How long did it take you not to panic with the fake diagnoses?

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